the greatest enemy of sex

3 August 2021

The most beautiful gift given to humans and least spoken about. Ever ask yourself why? Why is sex made out to be dirty? Why do people have shame about sex, yet they are doing it? Sex is not only for procreation. Sex is the glue to a relationship. It’s what keeps the connection between lovers strong and the bond which brings on familiarity, security, and comfort amongst other benefits. We are inhibited by a combination of reasons, not allowing us to fully lavish the moments of physical sexual intimacy with our partners.

So where does this shame come from? Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior”. This feeling is evoked from the sex-negative messaging received through childhood to becoming an adult. Shame originates from our moral beliefs. This is how we distinguish between what is good and bad or right from wrong. Family, School, Church, Magazines, Television, Peers, are some of the factors that influence our sexuality and specifically the sexual shame we carry.

Sex Negative Messages have been fed to us for the longest time, as we started sexual development as young kids. Children aged between 3 and 5 years old, normally start to experience the feeling of sexual self-discovery with their genitalia and tend to be in comparison with parents and friends. During this sexual self-discovery, parents or caregivers stop the little ones from touching their genitalia. In turn, this is the beginning of the negative conditioning in our little minds that it is a shameful act and considered dirty behavior.

Not Feeling Body Confident starts at puberty and one becomes more conscious of their outward appearance. Many can’t come to terms with the changes as no one tells them what to expect and this is something that needs to be dealt with alone. Individuals have difficulty accepting the new form & shape the body is being molded into preparing itself for reproduction. These insecurities remain as we become sexually active, removing the focus from the experience of the moment to the hang-ups we feel about our bodies.

Understanding your Body takes accepting that your body parts collectively have a greater part to play in helping you fully function in a normal healthy way to exist every day. We cannot expect our bodies to look like what social media & reality stars falsely represent. We need to practice gratitude for our bodies and embrace beauty with no body shaming. This helps us to focus our attention on being present in the moment when being sexually intimate with our partner.

No communication between partners can lead to unsatisfactory sex. If you are not telling each other what turns you on and what you don’t like, then you more than likely are engaging to please your partner only. Asking and respecting are key components in any relationship and the reality is we all have boundaries. Clearly communicated healthy boundaries bring couples together understanding they can talk without fear of unfair judgment. Sexual fantasies are usually just a fantasy and remain that. Most sexual fantasies require a partner to be carried out, so what better way to share with your partner and unlock a steamy bedroom environment & satisfy a desire with someone you care about. When you do that, you create memories and a much stronger bond with your partner which leads to a fulfilled relationship.

Ever heard that the brain is the most erotic organ, well believe it. It starts between the ears and not the legs. Feed yourself with positive thoughts and work on the inhibitions to allow you to overcome the negative conditioning that is holding you back and distracting you from taking the physical sexual intimate connection in your relationship to a connected state. Relationships provide overall wellbeing and mental wellness, all the reason to do so.

Written By: Viloshni Moodley Published by Brainz Magazine